Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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