you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
