Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize