Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
