I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I did not marry a roomba.
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