if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
