ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Your cock deserves a montage
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
