I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
