I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
