he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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