I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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