I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
