Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
