Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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