Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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