If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
