I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
