Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
