she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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