My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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