I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
