planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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