i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
