There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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