some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
