ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Randomize
