You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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