with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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