If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
