I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
