Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
