Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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