Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
