He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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