then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
