too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
