I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I am available for nakedness
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize