Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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