The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
