Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
