You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
