all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
