I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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