Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
