Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
