there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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