I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
