i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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