Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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