Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
