She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
