I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
