She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Couch. On fire.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
