Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
