The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
