gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
