I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have fence marks all over my body
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
