It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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